Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People by Elizabeth B. Brown

Author:Elizabeth B. Brown
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: REL012000
ISBN: 9781441207364
Publisher: Baker Publishing Group
Published: 2010-01-31T16:00:00+00:00

12

Fight Fair with Unfair People

Love is what holds hearts together when minds disagree!

E. V. Hill, a prominent black minister in the Watts area of Los Angeles, was summoned by J. Edgar Hoover to Washington, D.C. The Black Panthers, a radical terrorist group, were holding New York City hostage, threatening to blow up all the bridges if any cars tried to cross. Police imposed curfews, roadblocks, and massive manhunts; yet scouring the city had not turned up the terrorists. Hoover pleaded with Reverend Hill to appeal to the black community to stop the Black Panthers’ siege. E. V. Hill looked at Hoover in disbelief. “Mr. Hoover, how many did you say were involved in the Black Panther movement—eighty-nine? Eighty-nine are holding two million people hostage? How is that possible?”

Experience with a screwed-up person might shed light on Reverend Hill’s question. It wasn’t the number of people; it was their tactics that held the city captive. Fear put New York City into captivity, not eighty-nine people. Difficult people play a psychological game that skirts the rules—all is fair, anything goes, and nothing is off-limits. This makes it difficult for those of us who were taught to play fair, be nice, don’t bite, say you’re sorry, and turn the other cheek. Early on, we learned that nice people abide by the rules and principles of good behavior. That leaves us ill-prepared to fight with screwed-up people.

Mind Games

Fighting with screwed-up people plays with your head. The New Yorkers were not captive physically; they were captive in their minds. They feared being on a bridge or subway that might blow up, being outside where a bullet might target them, and being in the center of the limitless possibilities of harm. They feared being hurt. Isn’t that why it’s so hard to deal with a difficult person? You don’t want to be hurt. You don’t want to lose something that is important to you— money, love, power, respect, security. Fear is holding you hostage and making the SUP seem bigger than life, more powerful than death, and more threatening than your ability to overcome. When winning becomes more important than playing by the rules, anything goes. Reasonableness, fairness, and accepted logic are left by the wayside. The difficult person’s objective is to win, to be on top, not become your friend or appease your ego. Self-worth is driven by being the big dog, the one in charge. Can you imagine a conference call to the Black Panthers?

The police: “Sirs, we want you to understand our viewpoint. There are a lot of innocent people who could get hurt. You are not being fair.”

The Black Panthers: “So?”

Emotionally healthy people find it very difficult to play games with people who refuse to abide by the rules. Knowing what to expect helps you deal with the irregular tactics of your SUP and plants you in the real world where screwed-up people rarely choose to play fair. The fantasy that you will be heard or that there will be compromise in

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